My Blog

When I started this blog, my goal was to show what it was like to live as a survivor with “no pity, no shame, and no silence” while reinforcing that it was possible to have a life full of laughter, love and luminosity. Sometime in early November, I sunk in to a deep depression and along with it went my blogging voice. For the past month, I have tried countless times to write posts, but have edited them or deleted them or decided that they were too depressed or too sad to share with the world.

Last week, a good friend of mine was tragically killed in an accident. She was one of the hugest supporters of this blog and encouraged me to write posts even when I didn’t want to post them. In our last conversation, the night before she died she told me that she thought it was important for me to authentically represent my experiences here on this blog. She wanted me to write about the darkness of depression and the mixed feelings of domestic violence. When I was hesitant about doing this, she persisted that it was important to have the courage to write about the issues that people are generally hesitant to discuss. I think that she was absolutely right and for that reason I will start to write more about the difficult stuff and censor myself less when it comes to things that are sad and depressing.

But, we also both believed strongly in living our lives like a love letter to the universe. I was in the book store when holding Infinite Possibilities by Mike Dooley when I got a phone call from her mother. I thought it was one of her routine calls where she was checking in on her daughter. I was not prepared for the words that were about to come out of her mouth. She told me to sit down, but I couldn’t move. I stood there frozen, transfixed by the words coming out of her mouth and the book in my hand. The words “accident” “death” “painless” came out of her mouth with a mixture of sobs. Her daughter, one of my most darling friends was dead. I clutched on to the book as I felt the first of many bursts of emotions. I held on to the book as I hurried to get out of the store and to be with her loved ones. I held on to the book as my tears covered it. I bought the book and held onto it all the way to her parents house. I knew she wanted me to have and read the book.

The first week of December has a lot of anniversaries for me. Moments in my life where I made good decisions that forever changed my life. December 4^th is a day that we celebrated together every year. In sadness and in happiness we would have dinner together and think about the year ahead. This year she is not here to celebrate, but in my inbox this morning I got an email from her with the Infinite Possibilities audio book and a note that simply said “The universe and I love you and know you can have the life of your dreams.” And so today, with sadness and with optimism I am looking forward.

What does looking forward mean? Looking forward means that I am going to start including gratitude lists, some of my hopes and dreams and things that inspire me in this blog. I am going to try and post one thing every day that inspires me and relates to life that I want to manifest for myself.

It is time for another installment of my day to day breakdown of The Joy Diet for The Next Chapter book blogging group hosted by the lovely Jamie Ridler. When I realized the chapter was on treats, I was over the moon excited. However, I found myself meeting with both resistance and fear as the week progressed. Here is my breakdown of my week with treats:

Day One: Read the chapter on treats. Love the idea of giving myself three treats per day. Start to fantasize about all of the ways that I can incorporate treats in to my life. Reach the part about pigs pushing shopping carts. Go to Youtube and spend far too much time watching cute animals doing cute things. Wonder if this counts as a treat because it is bringing a huge smile to my face. Think of a list of treats. Feel quite a bit resistant to actually giving myself a treat. Journal about it.

Day Two: Rebel against being compared to an animal. Wonder why I am feeling so much resistance to treating myself. Make the connection that my resistance to treats stems from being rewarded by my abuser for “proper behaviour.” Try and figure out a way to work through the icky feeling that I get in my stomach when I am given or give myself a treat. Decide that I need to write more about why receiving rewards for behaviours feels bad for me. Write over twenty pages in my journal.

Day Three: Try the fake smile/real smile activity on the subway going to work. Realize how often I use my fake smile and how natural it feels. Make a mental note to only try and smile when I authentically want to. Watch Under the Tuscan Sun and read passages from Eat, Pray, Love to encourage myself to smile. Realize the deepness of my depression and write a note in my planner pad to discuss with my doctor.

Day Four: This is the day I am going to treat myself to three things. Start my day off with a trip to Starbuck’s for one of my favourite decaf drinks. This puts pep in my step and a smile on my face for the rest of the morning. Take a risk and submit my application for a grant that I have wanted to apply for, for the past four years. Reward myself for this with some new post-it notes and writing supplies. Smile happily as I write my first affirmation on my brand spanking new pink post-it notes. Start to feel a little bit icky later in the afternoon. Have a long discussion with a dear friend who has had similar experiences about my hesitations. Purchase some of my favourite bubble bath and indulge in an extra long bath to end the day.

Day Five: Wake up feeling really withdrawn. Go to work and continue to feel closed off. Encourage myself to go to an afternoon yoga class as a treat. Feel a lot more energized and happy after the class. Go to a support group and treat myself to a copy of Body and Soul magazine on the way home. Smile for real as I read the articles on my subway ride home.

Day Seven: Have three really important things to do back to back. Decide on a system in which I get a reward for each of them. Get through all of them with good success and reward myself with a trip to the used bookstore for a new book, dinner at my favourite vegan restaurant Fresh and an aromatherapy candle. Realize that treating myself is something I am going to have to keep practicing.

How was your week with Treats? Did you enjoy the process or did you find yourself resisting like me?