Dec 6, 2009 / Labels:

24 Red Balloons

"Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon."
Winnie the Pooh

This past week I have seen balloons everywhere: in the arms of a child, tangled in a tree, in the lobby of my apartment building, at the entrance to our hotel, in the mall, mingling among wires on the highway and in the sky.

My friend loved balloons. Whether it was a baby shower, birthday or retirement party, she always showed up with a dozen balloons. Her love of balloons was almost magical. Her face would light up and she would get this look about her whenever they were in her presence. They just made her so happy and so full of joy.

There were not balloons at her funeral. I don't think any of us could quite bring ourselves to realize that we would never again see that look of joy on her face. Still, the thought of her funeral without balloons really bothered me.

This morning while we were eating brunch, I caught the glimpse of a young girl carrying around a dozen pink balloons. She had the same look on her face that my friend so often had whenever she was in the presence of balloons. I wanted to run after the girl. I wanted to see the smile on my friends face just once more. I wanted to capture it forever in my memory. But that was not possible.

Not people to easily give up. We instead devised a plan. We would go to the toy/balloon shoppe and purchase 24 red biodegradable balloons. Red because it was her favourite color and 24 because that is how many beautiful year she was present on the planet. As we walked along the cobble stone streets, we were met with many smiles by strangers. People who would almost mimic that look of joy we were hoping to capture.

Once we returned to the car, we put the balloons in the back seat and began the drive home. On the way, we decided that we would write messages on each of the balloons and let them go at the accident site. One by one, we wrote on each of them and released them. For a moment, I could feel the face my friend so often made reflected on my own.

(Photo Credit C1ssou)


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Dec 4, 2009 / Labels: ,

Looking Forward

When I started this blog, my goal was to show what it was like to live as a survivor with “no pity, no shame, and no silence” while reinforcing that it was possible to have a life full of laughter, love and luminosity. Sometime in early November, I sunk in to a deep depression and along with it went my blogging voice. For the past month, I have tried countless times to write posts, but have edited them or deleted them or decided that they were too depressed or too sad to share with the world.

Last week, a good friend of mine was tragically killed in an accident. She was one of the hugest supporters of this blog and encouraged me to write posts even when I didn’t want to post them. In our last conversation, the night before she died she told me that she thought it was important for me to authentically represent my experiences here on this blog. She wanted me to write about the darkness of depression and the mixed feelings of domestic violence. When I was hesitant about doing this, she persisted that it was important to have the courage to write about the issues that people are generally hesitant to discuss. I think that she was absolutely right and for that reason I will start to write more about the difficult stuff and censor myself less when it comes to things that are sad and depressing.

But, we also both believed strongly in living our lives like a love letter to the universe. I was in the book store when holding Infinite Possibilities by Mike Dooley when I got a phone call from her mother. I thought it was one of her routine calls where she was checking in on her daughter. I was not prepared for the words that were about to come out of her mouth. She told me to sit down, but I couldn’t move. I stood there frozen, transfixed by the words coming out of her mouth and the book in my hand. The words “accident” “death” “painless” came out of her mouth with a mixture of sobs. Her daughter, one of my most darling friends was dead. I clutched on to the book as I felt the first of many bursts of emotions. I held on to the book as I hurried to get out of the store and to be with her loved ones. I held on to the book as my tears covered it. I bought the book and held onto it all the way to her parents house. I knew she wanted me to have and read the book.

The first week of December has a lot of anniversaries for me. Moments in my life where I made good decisions that forever changed my life. December 4th is a day that we celebrated together every year. In sadness and in happiness we would have dinner together and think about the year ahead. This year she is not here to celebrate, but in my inbox this morning I got an email from her with the Infinite Possibilities audio book and a note that simply said “The universe and I love you and know you can have the life of your dreams.” And so today, with sadness and with optimism I am looking forward.

What does looking forward mean? Looking forward means that I am going to start including gratitude lists, some of my hopes and dreams and things that inspire me in this blog. I am going to try and post one thing every day that inspires me and relates to life that I want to manifest for myself.

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Nov 8, 2009 / Labels:

Niagara Falls on the Lake In Pictures

Yesterday I went on a road trip with a lovely friend to Niagara Falls on the Lake. In the span of five hours we managed to spend time by the lake, go shopping at a number of francophile shops, eat a delicious lunch and tour a winery. Here are some of my favourite pictures from the day:

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Oct 30, 2009 / Labels:

Joy Diet Week Six: Treats

It is time for another installment of my day to day breakdown of The Joy Diet for The Next Chapter book blogging group hosted by the lovely Jamie Ridler. When I realized the chapter was on treats, I was over the moon excited. However, I found myself meeting with both resistance and fear as the week progressed. Here is my breakdown of my week with treats:

Day One: Read the chapter on treats. Love the idea of giving myself three treats per day. Start to fantasize about all of the ways that I can incorporate treats in to my life. Reach the part about pigs pushing shopping carts. Go to Youtube and spend far too much time watching cute animals doing cute things. Wonder if this counts as a treat because it is bringing a huge smile to my face. Think of a list of treats. Feel quite a bit resistant to actually giving myself a treat. Journal about it.

Day Two: Rebel against being compared to an animal. Wonder why I am feeling so much resistance to treating myself. Make the connection that my resistance to treats stems from being rewarded by my abuser for “proper behaviour.” Try and figure out a way to work through the icky feeling that I get in my stomach when I am given or give myself a treat. Decide that I need to write more about why receiving rewards for behaviours feels bad for me. Write over twenty pages in my journal.

Day Three: Try the fake smile/real smile activity on the subway going to work. Realize how often I use my fake smile and how natural it feels. Make a mental note to only try and smile when I authentically want to. Watch Under the Tuscan Sun and read passages from Eat, Pray, Love to encourage myself to smile. Realize the deepness of my depression and write a note in my planner pad to discuss with my doctor.

Day Four: This is the day I am going to treat myself to three things. Start my day off with a trip to Starbuck’s for one of my favourite decaf drinks. This puts pep in my step and a smile on my face for the rest of the morning. Take a risk and submit my application for a grant that I have wanted to apply for, for the past four years. Reward myself for this with some new post-it notes and writing supplies. Smile happily as I write my first affirmation on my brand spanking new pink post-it notes. Start to feel a little bit icky later in the afternoon. Have a long discussion with a dear friend who has had similar experiences about my hesitations. Purchase some of my favourite bubble bath and indulge in an extra long bath to end the day.

Day Five: Wake up feeling really withdrawn. Go to work and continue to feel closed off. Encourage myself to go to an afternoon yoga class as a treat. Feel a lot more energized and happy after the class. Go to a support group and treat myself to a copy of Body and Soul magazine on the way home. Smile for real as I read the articles on my subway ride home.

Day Seven: Have three really important things to do back to back. Decide on a system in which I get a reward for each of them. Get through all of them with good success and reward myself with a trip to the used bookstore for a new book, dinner at my favourite vegan restaurant Fresh and an aromatherapy candle. Realize that treating myself is something I am going to have to keep practicing.

How was your week with Treats? Did you enjoy the process or did you find yourself resisting like me?

Note: I did not include day six because it was a really horrible day for me on a personal level and I really did not dedicate any time to treats or The Joy Diet.

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Oct 29, 2009 / Labels:

My Mondo Beyondo List

I am currently enrolled in the Mondo Beyondo course. Part of the course involves sharing our Mondo Beyond lists with the universe. I though the best way to share my list would be through my blog. Here it is:

  • Find a tribe of loving, warm and radiant individuals to share my life with
  • Live by the ocean
  • Spend at least a month living in Paris
  • Become an entrepreneur
  • Do Yoga Teacher Training at Kripalu
  • Create a healing centre for those who have been impacted by abuse
  • Get an Art-reach grant to create a yoga-art program from street involved youth
  • Become a therapist
  • Go on a trip to India
  • Take Wild Heart Expressive Arts Teacher Training with Chris Zydel
  • Get my Masters in Social Work
  • Have long brown, curly hair
  • Teach yoga to survivors
  • Find a therapist who can really help me to heal
  • Embrace my authentic self
  • Write a non-fiction book
  • Walk a Labyrinth
  • Meet Sark
  • Find a mentor
  • Live in a house with one yellow room, one red room, a chalkboard in the kitchen and a kitchen large enough to make a vegan feast
  • Have tea with Angela Shelton
  • Make a documentary on healing
  • Participate in an improv class
  • Find a life coach that I can really connect with
  • Embrace my romantic outlook on life
  • Fall head over heels in love with my soul mate
  • Create and cultivate healthy relationships
  • Go swimming with dolphins

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Oct 28, 2009 / Labels:

Tips for Coping with Trauma

At one point or another we will all face some kind of trauma. Here are some of the things that I have found to be super helpful when coping with a traumatic experience:

Keep positive affirmations handy: When something traumatic happens it can be very easy to slip in to negative self talk. Write out affirmations that challenge the negative things you hear yourself say internally and keep them in your wallet, your planner pad or your cell phone. That way whenever the negative self talk starts up, you can challenge it right away. For more information on making your own positive affirmations, check out Jamie Ridler's article on Creating Your Own Powerful Affirmations.

Journal: When something traumatic happens, there are a lot emotions that come out. Journalling provides a safe space to write out and process these emotions. Writing to Heal in an excellent book that provides exercises and tools for writing about trauma.

Read/Watch/Listen to Inspiring Stories: Surround yourself with films and books about individuals who have survived through similar experiences and come out shining on the other side. This week I have been finding inspiration by reading Blisschick's blog, watching the movie Under the Tuscan Sun and reading the book Eat, Pray, Love.

Write A Gratitude Journal: After a traumatic experience it can sometimes be really difficult to focus on the positives in your life. Last week when I could not get to sleep, I decided to write out a gratitude list. Writing this list had quite a profound impact on me because it allowed me to see that although negative things were happening, there were still many positive things in my life that I could focus on.

Reconnect with your body: No matter what kind of trauma you have been through, your body is surely impacted. Yoga, meditation, dancing and massage are all great ways to reconnect with your body.

Reach out for support to loved ones: Ask those in your life for the emotional and physical support you need. Maybe you need someone to sit with you in silence or need your partner to hold your hand until you fall asleep. I have found the more specific you are with loved ones, the better they are able to support you.

Keep a comfort object handy: Find something that bring you comfort and keep it around for those times when you need something to hug, touch or hold. Your comfort object may change depending on the situation. When you lose a loved one, you may find comfort in one of their objects like a sweatshirt. If you have been assaulted, you may find comfort in having a stuffed animal to squeeze and hug.

What about you lovelies? Do you have any tried and true tips for dealing with traumatic experiences?


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Oct 26, 2009 / Labels:

Joy Diet Week 5: Risk

It is time to reflect on another chapter of The Joy Diet hosted by the lovely Jamie Ridler. This week the challenge was to do one frightening thing every day that contributes to the fulfillment of your desires. Here is how my week with risk went:

Day One: Write my Mondo Beyondo List. Decide to make it as risky and as daring as possible. Write things on it that my heart actually desires rather than what I think I should write. Realize how great it feels to really listen to myself.

Day Two: Realize that there are a lot of scary things between me and my desires. Decide that I either have to do this activity completely or not do it at all. Have a mini melt down about all of my truth I am uncovering. Take a walk and read Wild Geese by Mary Oliver. Make a commitment to do something scary. Decide to confide in one of my close friends about an abusive situation I have been in. Swirl my scarf in to tight knots as I reveal what has been happening over the last little while. Have a lovely heart to heart talk about the situation. Realize how much I have been isolating other people in my life who really care and love me.

Day Three: This path is really not going to be easy. Just thinking about all of the heartache ahead makes me want to curl up under my covers forever. Decide that hiding under blankets is not an appropriate plan. Take action. Decide to end the relationship. Swirl my scarf in to more knots as I have that conversation. The one where you say that this is no longer working for me, I think you have issues that you need to resolve and I cannot put myself in to danger anymore. Walk away from the five year on and off relationship with tears streaming down my cheeks and a smile on my face.

Day Four: Feeling a little overwhelmed by the previous days risk taking. Decide to treat myself to a deep tissue massage. Realize how disconnected from my body I have become. Make a plan of action to become more connected with my body. Commit myself to taking one yoga-dance class each week.

Day Five: Realize today is the day that I have to be more honest with my doctor. I have an amazing doctor who has always been really supportive. The thing is I find it quite difficult to talk with her about issues like abuse and mental health. Ask for advice about talking to your doctor on Twitter and have some lovely Twitter and email conversations with amazing people. Prepare a list of things that I want to discuss with my doctor. Have the mental health issue discussion with my doctor. Begin to shut down when I try to open up about the other issues. Stumble through my questions and leave out some of the most important ones. Make an appointment for the following week.

Day Six: Realize how empowered these risks have made me feel. Decide to turn my attention to graduate school. Print off the applications for all of the social work graduate schools I would like to attend. Think about who I would like to use as my references. Feel overcome by shyness when thinking of approaching my favorite undergrad professor. Decide to do it anyway. Call her and ask her if she would be willing to be a reference. End up having a long discussion about how she always thought that I would make a better therapist than lawyer. Make plans to meet and catch up.

Day Seven: Decide that I want to make my mental health a priority. Research and explore the options that are available. Make a phone call to a local organization and ask them if they can provide me with more direction on the type of help I am looking for. Have an amazing conversation about all the available resources.

How was your week with risk?

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