A Lesson In The Art of Letting Go
Oh, letting go. Something that is so hard to do but oh so necessary. Yesterday a lesson in letting go arrived on my doorstep in all of its messy glory. Like an imposing guest, it would not go away no matter how many times I tried to kick it out and pleaded for it to go away. Finally, when all my attempts had failed it was clear that I would actually have to go through all the messiness of letting go.
Over the past two years, I have been working hard at clearing out emotions, objects and people from my life that were part of my old life of abuse, triggers and negative coping mechanisms. I have managed to get rid of and let go of items (my old mattress that held so many negative memories), people (former friends who looked away when I asked support) and emotions (negative self talk, guilt). Though I have been able to work towards letting go of the above things, I have been unwilling to let go of pictures, writing and videos from that same time period. I have been so hesitant because I feared that deleting these things would mean deleting myself and minimizing everything that I went through.
The problem is that having easy access to these things meant that on days when I was depressed, I would go through the folders on my Macbook and dig myself further and further in to a depression hole. Last weekend I began to see how much of a negative impact having these things was having on me. It meant that no matter how much I healed or how far I have come, I could be rocketed back to those times in a matter of moments. In a few moments of strength and bravery, I ripped up all of the documents that I held onto that did nothing for me except remind me of the past. I cried as I read through the police statements, rape kit forms and hospital forms. I cried as I ripped each document in to pieces. I cried as I carried the garbage bag full of my past to the garbage area and I cried when I returned to my apartment feeling a little bit lighter.
I thought I had made real progress in letting go. But that night as I crawled in to bed I brought my laptop with me and again one picture led to tons of opened videos, pictures and files. Fragments of the past I have been trying so hard to free myself.
This cycle repeated every night for the past week. Flash forward Friday. It is my sixth day of falling to sleep crying and I am worn out and exhausted. I begin the same cycle and out of nowhere my Macbook begins to freeze. It wont open up any of the programs I so desperately want to open. I do a hard reset and still everything is frozen. I begin to panic. I want so bad to be surrounded by familiarity. After troubleshooting for fifteen minutes, I resign myself to the fact that nothing can be done at midnight and I will have to wait to get my computer fixed. For the first time in a couple of weeks, I fall asleep easily and sleep well.
On Saturday morning feeling refreshed by a full night of sleep I remember my computer is no longer working. I book an appointment with an Apple genius and bring my Macbook to be looked at. Somehow through a fluke in updating my Mac to the newest os my software has been corrupted. The only option is to restore the old os an delete everything on my hard drive.Delete everything?
I begin to panic. I never backed up this information because I did not want it to be anywhere else. I want to have access to it but I did not want to feel the shame of knowing it was stored elsewhere. How could I possibly delete everything?
I was snapped out of my internal dialogue by the Apple Genius. He was telling me what he was going to do step by step. I tried hard to listen but the entire time he was talking I was mourning all of the things that I was going to lose. My ears perked up when he said "Now I am going to press this button and it is going to delete everything." Two hours and four minutes later the process was complete. My Macbook was restored and working better than ever. The pictures, videos and documents were gone.
As I walked out of the store, Mikails song "The Art of Letting Go" began to play. Her lyrics so perfectly summed up the bitter sweet moment that I was having:
Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?
Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?
Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.
This is how my Macbook taught me a lesson in the art of letting go.
Beautiful post sweetheart. I too have been there, and I see things as a re-birth. Sometimes the things we hold onto, really really holding onto *us*. It's good to let go and to open ourselves to positive energy and a happy future. Thank you for sharing this, I can't believe I didn't read your blog until just now, glad I found it on your twitter!
XOXO,
Amber
positively present says
Wonderful, beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this.
Melita says
have to agree with the others - this was a beautiful post. i have to agree with amber on the whole re-birth thought. hope you had a great weekend.
Globetrotting Cacti says
I agree, a beautiful post. I hope this can be the start of your pathway forward. May your future be full of supportive friends & positivity.
Ellecubed says
Thank you all so much for your lovely comments on this post. They really mean a lot to me.
Amber, I am so happy that you found my blog.
Carmen says
tis resounds deeply with me and i bet with everyone in some point in our lives.
Thank YOU!
Ellecubed says
Carmen: Thank you for the lovely comment. I am happy to know that it resounds deeply with you.