Looking Forward
When I started this blog, my goal was to show what it was like to live as a survivor with “no pity, no shame, and no silence” while reinforcing that it was possible to have a life full of laughter, love and luminosity. Sometime in early November, I sunk in to a deep depression and along with it went my blogging voice. For the past month, I have tried countless times to write posts, but have edited them or deleted them or decided that they were too depressed or too sad to share with the world.
Last week, a good friend of mine was tragically killed in an accident. She was one of the hugest supporters of this blog and encouraged me to write posts even when I didn’t want to post them. In our last conversation, the night before she died she told me that she thought it was important for me to authentically represent my experiences here on this blog. She wanted me to write about the darkness of depression and the mixed feelings of domestic violence. When I was hesitant about doing this, she persisted that it was important to have the courage to write about the issues that people are generally hesitant to discuss. I think that she was absolutely right and for that reason I will start to write more about the difficult stuff and censor myself less when it comes to things that are sad and depressing.
But, we also both believed strongly in living our lives like a love letter to the universe. I was in the book store when holding Infinite Possibilities by Mike Dooley when I got a phone call from her mother. I thought it was one of her routine calls where she was checking in on her daughter. I was not prepared for the words that were about to come out of her mouth. She told me to sit down, but I couldn’t move. I stood there frozen, transfixed by the words coming out of her mouth and the book in my hand. The words “accident” “death” “painless” came out of her mouth with a mixture of sobs. Her daughter, one of my most darling friends was dead. I clutched on to the book as I felt the first of many bursts of emotions. I held on to the book as I hurried to get out of the store and to be with her loved ones. I held on to the book as my tears covered it. I bought the book and held onto it all the way to her parents house. I knew she wanted me to have and read the book.
The first week of December has a lot of anniversaries for me. Moments in my life where I made good decisions that forever changed my life. December 4th is a day that we celebrated together every year. In sadness and in happiness we would have dinner together and think about the year ahead. This year she is not here to celebrate, but in my inbox this morning I got an email from her with the Infinite Possibilities audio book and a note that simply said “The universe and I love you and know you can have the life of your dreams.” And so today, with sadness and with optimism I am looking forward.
What does looking forward mean? Looking forward means that I am going to start including gratitude lists, some of my hopes and dreams and things that inspire me in this blog. I am going to try and post one thing every day that inspires me and relates to life that I want to manifest for myself.
8 comments:
((HUGS)) sorry to hear about the death of your friend.
I do agree, though, that it is important to write about the things that everyone covers us and doesn't talk about. I, too, know the shame of being abused and of feeling like there is something about discussing it that will make people turn away or reject me. But I also know that when I read or hear of someone else who made it through and out I have that feeling of "Oh thank Gods, I'm not the only one, I WASN'T crazy for thinking/feeling/doing that"...
Our stories connect us, and through the stories of the bad times we help others up and out as well...
((HUGS))
Linnea says
I am so sorry about the death of your friend. What a horrible thing to go through. I know today must be hard, and I'm sending you hugs and love across the miles.
And she sent them to you across dimensions with today's arrival of the audiobook.
By all means, be everything you feel, and share it. Apart from the fact that it will keep you physically and mentally healthy, someone may stumble across this blog one day and read the thing that helps them break free.
Christine Claire Reed says
I am so very sorry about your friend.
I think she would be so proud of you and the way you persist and INSIST on keeping on. She would be proud of how you are using her memory. She would be proud of the lessons you are learning. She would be proud of the love and the lack of bitterness.
Much peace.
Steffi says
Your post makes me cry. So wise and true and full of love.
I am most touched, moved and inspired by people like you who are willing to share their true, vulnerable, struggling, radiant, unique selves. I'd like to learn to do this more and more.
Sending loads of love!
Lavanya says
I am so sorry about your loss. Big hugs. You are absolutely right- it is important for our creative spaces to reflect us in all our mixed dark and happy lights. I recently lost a loved one too- but what kept me going was the fact that it would've hurt the person more if I had stopped. Your friend would be very proud of you. Much love.
Ellecubed says
Thank you all for your condolences and lovely and heartfelt comments. They mean so much to me.
@Pam I agree that our stories do connect us and that is why it is good to write about the struggles as well as the triumphs. Sending loads of ((hugs)) your way.
@Linnea Thank you so much for your thoughts and for the reminder to express on this blog who I am and what I am feeling. Thanks for sending ((hugs)) across the miles
@Christine: Thank you so much for reminding me that my friend would be proud. Somewhere in all of this, I forgot that she would be happy that I was carrying on.
@Steffi: Thank you so much for your comment. It made me cry tears of joy. I think sharing your vulnerable, struggling, radiant self happens in pieces. I started by sharing parts of myself on Twitter and now I do it on my blog and on Twitter. Perhaps you could do something similar. Sending loads of ((hugs)) and love your way.
@Lavanya: My condolences are your recent loss. Sending loads of ((hugs)) your way. Thank you for the reminder to consider the lost person. I find reminding myself daily to think what she would think of my actions to be helpful.
Thanks again lovelies!
Carolyn says
I love how this post ends. And again, I'm so sorry about your loss, and I hope your healing process has begun. xoxoxoxoxoxo
Melita says
i am really sorry that you are going through such a huge loss. just know that we are all here for you. i agree with your friend, write your blog posts from your heart just like you did with this post. your friend is smiling down on you for sure! and her legacy will live on through you and your blog. much love & hugs!!